What could have been

Do you ever play that game in your head, sometimes you think about what could have been?

I see my life as a line branching in many directions, something like if you watch a lot of sci-fi shows, or even twilight zone, sometimes I feel or think about my self "self", living my other lives if I had made a different choice. It's like whenever I am at an important crossroad in my life, another self separates and lives the life or with the choice that I have not chosen. I visualize myself spread out and separated into millions of "me" living out the lives that I have not chosen.

I actually remember one article by Jessica Zafra, she is one of my favorite authors, biting wit and her style of writing is outrageously funny almost to the point of being offensive but just a shade below it. I appreciate her nasty humor coz she calls a spade a spade, and man..she makes it very funny. Back to the article, she mentioned something about time-space continuum and living our lives differently at the same time..like a parallel universe. Guy meets girl, they date, guy dumps girl end of story. But in a parallel universe, guy meets girl, they date then guy proposes to girl, get married and have kids. So on and so forth. Every major decision in the guys life, creates a tangent life of what ifs...

I am not the type of person to regret decisions. I think it over, I may spend a lot of think brooding and thinking and basically asking for advice and every one's opinion, but after I decide. That is that. I never look back and I never regret. Feeling that it is a waste of time and emotion. But a lot has happened in the last 5 years that I feel like everything is happening so quickly that I barely have time to lift my head, look around and take stock of what is happening in my life.

Maybe instead of regrets, maybe it's time to contemplate on what direction should I be heading. It's kinda hard to do that since I am a mother now. I am responsible for raising my kids to be happy and well rounded and able to contribute to humanity. Tall order. It's hard to be selfish and put oneself first. Often I see moms letting themselves "go". They start to dress in jogging suits, comfortable but not fashionable clothes,have less time to put on makeup and basically take care of themselves. It's kinda hard to squeeze in ME time in between driving kids to soccer practice and ballet, cleaning house, making meals and trying to be a good wife and mother.

Sometimes it's ok to be selfish. Take time to go to the gym, or have a ladies night out a few times. Go shopping for your own wardrobe and actually avoid going into Children's Place or the kiddie section.

Mommies need their breaks. One must find a way to find happiness that is hers, and hers alone. Coz let's face it, when mommy has a nervous breakdown...not good for the kids. When mommy has had it up to her ears with stress and demands on her time..and starts swinging the knife and hears God talking to her about dumping her kids in the lake...well you get the picture.

Somewhere out there, in a parallel universe, I probably don't have kids, or I'm a famous newscaster or covering breaking news as a news reporter, or dead. I swear I did a lot of dumb things in my life that could have gotten me killed. And I look at this life, I look at my family, my career, my friends...then maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, I did make the right choices.